April 2023: I had ninety days to leave my apartment but I didn’t need more than a few weeks. When I read the letter, I fell to the floor crying for forty five minutes until Poppy came over with pizza and told me to “imagine the cheese melting off my body” if I was worried about the calories.
I had already planned trip to Spain for a short getaway, so I would just leave and not come back. I would just leave! And not come back! Everything had been falling apart for months anyways, it was time to just surrender.
No, I don’t want to put my things in storage. I’ve got to go.
I had lived in New York City for nearly ten years and this apartment was the first and only address I didn’t share with anyone else.
New York, New York
The city so nice, they named her twice
New York was where I moved in 2014 with $300 and no job or place to live, so I couch hopped for a few months, puking authentic Chinese food all over the bathroom in my cousin’s apartment within twenty four hours of arriving
New York was where I worked Christmas’ in Rockefeller Center at for three years at the Free People flagship store, and where we all saw Matt Lauer cheating on his wife before the entire world found out. “I would like to buy a blouse for my niece,” we mimicked him for weeks.
New York was where I had an acupuncturist on Doyle Street that shook my left leg and tugged my right and he said “Oh thank goodness you’re much more balanced than I thought” and I think about that every time I can tell someone else is wondering the same thing
New York was where I was hired to work at an Italian restaurant on the Upper East Side but I couldn’t open wine without holding the bottle in between my knee caps so they thought maybe I shouldn’t work there
New York where I was a live-in nanny and I didn’t have a door to my room or even walls and I climbed a ladder to my little bed in the storage space above the living room every night wondering what all the other 27 year old girls were doing with their freedom. The parents told me the baby should take naps outside even if it’s cold and I said no fucking way and they said fine.
New York was where my best friend since kindergarten got married at City Hall and the day before I realized she didn’t have a dress so I left work without telling anyone and tried on a dozen dresses on her behalf until I found one that fit her huge leaking, breastfeeding tits
Brooklyn was where I worked for years and then finally moved near McCarren Park two months before the pandemic hit
Brooklyn was where I invited stray cats in my window
Brooklyn was where I thought I was going to die once the mutated air of COVID took us out
Brooklyn was where I thought I was going to die because there was a dead mouse in my kitchen and what if I was breathing in rabies
Brooklyn was where I thought I was going to die because I didn’t think a greater paradise could exist
Brooklyn was where we partied in the streets when Joe Biden won the election on a delay, and a year later, Brooklyn was where my friend sent me a USB drive of Hunter Biden’s laptop
Brooklyn was where I fell in love with my best friend and Brooklyn where I was when I realized they were draining my soul
Brooklyn was the time I walked past Sweet Chick on Lorimer and there was a guy eating at the window seat who looked like Blake Griffin so I walked in and he asked me what I was doing later so we went out that night and he was so fucking hot but so incredibly mediocre. If you’ve never heard a man rattle off his modeling portfolio before, don’t.
Brooklyn is where people bring their dogs everywhere and say “I don’t trust people who don’t like dogs” so I was forced to be like “Yah dogs are greaaaaaattt I love themmmmmm!” And now I actually don’t mind them.
Brooklyn is where I reignited Party Bri, and I know I talk about Dolly’s a lot but if you ever had your ass eaten in a bathroom full of Dolly Parton album covers, you probably wouldn’t stop talking about it either
Brooklyn was where the vet said my cat has “Attention seeking behavior” and then she looked me in the eye and said “Do you have any idea where she got that from?” And I looked her right the fuck back and said “Ya from me.”
Brooklyn was where I scrolled Raya from time to time and reminded everyone who could never have that pleasure
Brooklyn was where I grew a long and gorgeous monstera plant
A few psychic palm trees
A fern that became a cat target
I killed the jasmine
Brooklyn was where I blew cinnamon out the door on the first of every month because a social media witch said it would bring me prosperity and whenever I didn’t, a few days later I would be like, oh I forgot the cinnamon
Brooklyn is where my kitten got zoomies so often that I thought getting her spayed would help but it didn’t because she is still an incredibly vibrant feline
Brooklyn was where I gave away my pink cropped hoodie
My red cropped hoodie
My snow boots
It’s where I never bought a toaster, but if I had, I would have given that away too
It was the apartment where I finally spent money on furniture.
The five foot red vintage rug runner that I spilled purple wax on
The ceiling fans I dusted while screaming
Actually, Poppy bought most of my furniture and I told her I hated the white designer couch she gifted me, but it wasn’t that I hated it, it’s just that the day before she bought it I walked into the store and I had a feeling she was going to suggest that couch to me and I told myself This couch is so white and fluffy, it looks like teeth. Do not get that couch. And then didn’t speak up when we sat down together and she said This is your couch.
It was the apartment I hid Carmen from my landlords until one day they came over unexpectedly so Rachel and I tried to distract them by laughing and sucking in our waists and telling grand stories of good girl friendship, but then Carmen ran out from under the bed like a big fluffy blur and we all just stared at each other
It was the apartment I spent Christmas by myself because I had COVID, so Carmen and I moved the white fluffy couch from the big room to the small room and watched Harry Potter all week.
It was the apartment where Rachel and I left Dolly’s for a second and ran back to my apartment to empty her purse in my bathroom sink because we needed more lighting to find the bag of gummy bears at the bottom of her purse
It was the apartment where I laid in bed for a week, recovering from surgery the same time Poppy was experiencing a joyful birth
It was the apartment where I taped everything to the wall of my office, but I kept my bedroom completely bare like an insane asylum
It was the apartment where Carmen always scratched the walls at night and I said, it’s fine Carmie they’re just ghosts.
It was the apartment where my bathtub exploded and flooded my living room and where I shared a wall with Claire. Claire and I were neighbors, then enemies, then friends, then good friends, then her boyfriend was murdered in broad daylight and I regretted every time I asked them to quiet down when they woke me up.
It was the apartment where I posted all of my belongings on Instagram and every time someone came over to trade ownership, they asked the same questions.
Where are you going?
I’m going to travel for a little while.
Are you coming back?
I don’t know.
I’m sure you’ll be back.
Maybe.
What about your monologue class?
Eva kicked me out, banned me.
What happened?
Long story.
What about…?
Nope.
Can’t you go live with your parents? Didn’t they just move south?
No thank you.
This apartment was perfect, I thought you were going to die here.
I mean, I kind of did.
At the very end of the visitors, Zoe came to take my gorgeous, massive, gold framed mirror. It was my favorite thing I owned, and I bought off a moving truck on Central Park South for twenty-seven dollars. I'd give you thirty, but I just bought ice cream. I told the crew. They were renovating some ancient hotel and I wanted a piece of old New York.
It was a great apartment, Zoe said, But it was always like one thing just wasn’t right.
Her honesty stunned me and hit so good.
Every time someone came over to take something else- A plant, a dresser, a picture frame, a table, a couch, a rug, The more free I became. Take it, take it all.
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